Postpartum Pretties… Or Not

“When you’re underwater

Don’t know up from down

You don’t need to fight it

Just surrender now

I know your heart is aching

You feel in the dark

You are not alone

I know where you are

And lay your burdens down

Lay it all on Me

Rest your weary head

And I’ll be all you need

I’ll be everything.”

(I’ll Be Everything / Bethel Music & Jenn Johnson)

It seems like it has been ages since I have written last. I honestly forget that I even have a blog space sometimes! A lot of life has happened since the last time I’ve talked with you. I’ve graduated college, gotten a job, married the love of my life, and just gave birth to the littlest love of my life.

I have officially stepped into the motherhood stage of my life. If you don’t personally know me very well, then you won’t know that my husband and I weren’t necessarily planning on adding a sweet addition to our family… but oh, what a blessing our son is and what richness has been added to our life since he was born! We are so grateful.

Like other women who relate to me, I have always dreamed of what motherhood would be like. I have dreamt about my future children and imagined my life once my children arrived. To some that may seem cliche, but being a mom has always been a dream of mine!

Needless to say, I had a lot of expectations of what my experience would be. The truth is, though, no one and nothing could’ve prepared me for motherhood. For me, motherhood has been the hardest thing I’ve ever stepped into and also the most beautiful. It has been the most paradoxical experience of my life.

My pregnancy and labor/delivery were both incredible. Our time in the hospital was magical, even while my body  was in the early stages healing/recovery. My husband and I were both ecstatic to bring our baby home and start our new life together as a family of three. Don’t get me wrong, we both knew that parenthood is not easy and we would be faced with many challenges along the way.

The first night at home, we were up all night long. Our baby did not go to sleep until 7am the next morning… and he only slept for 20 minutes. Throughout the course of the night, we both shed many tears and said multiple prayers. We did not know what to do. We had a screaming baby who we couldn’t console and kept asking ourselves “what did we do?”.

One of the qualities I usually pride myself in is honesty. I don’t like to sugarcoat things. I believe that authenticity is key when we are in relationship with Jesus. Others need to see that we live genuine, honest lives- no “fake it until you make it” kind of stuff.

Postpartum for the first almost 4 weeks was best described as a roller coaster. One minute I was fine and loving my time with my baby and the next I was crying or handing my baby off to my husband because I had had enough. Breastfeeding has been a challenge. Things got so tense that I would dread the nighttime and anxiously watch the clock for the next feeding.

I was a basket case of anxiety.

I was constantly feeling like a failure and kept telling my husband, with tears in my eyes, that I was not cut out for motherhood. It was too hard.

The season of my life that I had dreamt of was not what I thought it would be. All of the dreams I had just popped and vanished. I was devastated. This was my new reality.

Tired. Anxious. Emotional.

I was stuck in a cycle, and honestly that cycle came at the cost of my connection and relationship with my son. I felt disconnected from him, and it crushed my heart. When he wasn’t nursing well and screaming, I would hand him off to my husband who would console him immediately. I would be happy to have some relief, but then I would be filled with anger and resentment because I was the one who was supposed to console him the most. I grew him inside of me for over 40 weeks but didn’t feel like he desired my touch, voice, or presence.

I had opened the door to the enemy, and he came walking right in. I began to feel angry toward God. I would pray all day asking for relief and connection but still felt so far from reality. I didn’t know who else to be angry at, so I chose to be angry at my Father.

Everyone kept telling me that things get easier or better, and sometimes I would believe them. Most of the time, though, I couldn’t possibly fathom how things would get easier or better.

After about 4 weeks, I began to feel a little different. The days (and even nights) were a little better and more hopeful. Breastfeeding wasn’t magically working 100% of the time, but I was feeling connected with my baby on the deep level that I had been longing for since we walked through the garage door with him for the first time. My baby that I had carried and grown inside of me for 10 months was outside of my body, and that was a surreal thing (and still is even now).

I am not an experienced mom, by any stretch of the imagination, but I have learned a few things in the past month.

1. God designed you with your baby (babies) in mind, and you are exactly what they need. There is no lie from the enemy that can take away that truth.

2. Flexibility is essential. Things will not be perfect, so lower your expectations. This goes for packing the diaper bag all the way to the deepest parts of motherhood.

3. You’ve probably heard the words “fed is best,” and that is the perfect truth! Take off the pressure. Your baby is getting fed, and that is all that matters! Breastfeeding has been really hard for both me and my son, and I have had to learn to take the pressure off and just breathe a little bit.

4. God is with you. This is by far the most important thing I’ve learned (or been reminded of). He really is so close to you in this season. People who make motherhood seem like all glamor and no hardship are just focusing on the highlight reel. Real life is presented by real struggle sometimes, and that is OK! It is perfectly natural and normal to struggle. On the days when you feel like you are the only one failing at this mom thing, please remember that Jesus is walking with you. He is holding your hand, and He will not let it go. Cling to Him and lean into His word.

I know that I have a lifetime of lessons to learn, and I look forward to all that is in store- the good, bad, and ugly. I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, a wonderful husband, the sweetest son, and the best support system in the world.

You are going to be okay. Just keep putting one step in front of the other each day.. and breathe. You have what it takes, and you will make it.