The Journey Begins

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart..."

-Jeremiah 1:5

My name is Sarah Bell. I have two parents, three siblings, three dogs, two fish, and a whole lot of love to give this world. I've always lived in the same small town of Canton, TX, and I am ending my senior year with the same people I started kindergarten with 12 years ago. Two of my grandparents are pastors, so, naturally, I've always gone to church. Don't get me wrong, going to church was fun and everything, but it's not really like I had much a choice on the matter.

My life can be described as a blessing, and I do my best to not take anything for granted. However, my life hasn't always been as "perfect" as people may say it is. I may have grown up in a Christ-centered home with parents who always encouraged me and my siblings to put Jesus first in everything we do, but that doesn't exempt me from going through trials, and struggling through them. Even as a child, I would notice that I was different from the other kids in my school. I was never allowed to watch the same shows as my friends did or participate in the festivities of Halloween. These things may not seem like a big deal now, but the feeling of being left out at a young age caused me to get angry with my parents (not realizing that they always had my best interest in mind). When I started junior high, it was like a whole new world for me. I felt like I needed to be independent, and would get upset when my parents tried to help me. As a stubborn, young teenager, I always wanted my parents to "just trust me" or "stop treating me like a kid." Junior high didn't just bring newfound freedom, but it also brought a newfound fascination in having a boyfriend. Yes, I know I was only 13 at the time, but it was fun to think about the endless possibilities of dating even at that young age. My youth pastors would talk to our youth group and about how we shouldn't rush the process of dating, but my little heart just wanted to experience the dating realm just as all my friends were (even though I would hardly call it "dating" as I look back). The more I tried to make boys like me the way I was, the more I realized that I really was different. It made me upset, and I immediately wanted to change who I was because I just wanted someone to notice me. That's when the transformation started...

I began to start acting different and hiding the love I had for Jesus. I still loved Him so much, but I just didn't want it to show. I thought that maybe if I didn't let it show, then I would start getting noticed. I wasn't doing anything wrong, according to my 13 year old brain. Little did I know, that I would only be left empty with each passing relationship. Nothing quite satisfied my longing heart like Jesus did.

By the time my freshman year rolled around, I was so stagnant in my faith. I wasn't exactly taking steps backwards, but I most definitely wasn't moving forward in my relationship with Jesus. I was too prideful to admit that my relationship with Jesus was suffering tremendously. I stopped hungering for more of Him, and started being satisfied where I was. Nobody knew that I was in this place because I became very good at putting on the "everything's okay" face, walking into church, and making everyone think that my relationship with Christ was perfect. I was the pastor's granddaughter, so nobody could know that I wasn't where I needed to be spiritually. Nobody could know that I wasn't living out what I would preach. Nobody knew. I felt alone, lost, and confused. I wanted my passion to return, but I didn't know how to get it back. I wanted my genuine joy back, but I felt like it had been permanently stolen. I wanted someone to hear the tears fall onto my pillow late at night, but I felt like no one could. Through all of this, I had forgotten who the Giver of my passion, joy, and comfort was, but He hadn't forgotten about me.

It wasn't until my Sophomore year when I made the decision to fully transform my life. I didn't want to fake anything anymore. I was not where I needed to be spiritually. It was hard to admit that to myself, but I needed to in order to move on. I made the decision work on my relationship with Christ before I even started to think about dating. I decided to make time for Jesus instead of fitting Him into my own schedule. It didn't take long for me to not only get back to where I was but go past where I once was.

The summer before my junior year, God called me into ministry. If you personally know me, then you know that I am the happiest when I am engulfed in ministry. I not only got my passion back to fully serve Jesus, but I also gained an immense passion to serve people and show them the love and grace that was shown to me when I didn't deserve it at all. I developed this strong burden to see my school saved, so I collaborated with a very dear friend of mine, and we started a Bible Study group. We decided that we would meet every Wednesday morning in an attempt to reach our school. The numbers started out fantastic but dwindled down as the school year progressed. I started doubting God's voice that kept telling to push through. I never understood the discouragement that my youth pastors felt about people not responding until I was put in the same exact situation. It was hard, but Kaitlyn and I kept going in every week to share what God had laid on our hearts. Our thought process was that if just one life could be changed, then it would all be worth it. At the end of the year, we had about three faithful members (not including ourselves). It was then that I saw the fruit of our labor, and I'm sure Kaitlyn saw it too. Three people may not seem like a lot, but it was such a beautiful sight to me. It was a reminder that God never promises a life of easy, but He always makes it worth all the heartache in the end.

I am currently nearing the end of my first semester of senior year, and I've never been closer to Jesus. I have let Him shape me and mold me in ways that wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't taken that first step two and a half years ago. A potter never gives up on his clay, just as Jesus never gives up on me and you. I haven't always lived the perfect life that everyone may have thought that I had. I haven't always made the right choices, but God's grace is endless and I'm reminded of that on a daily basis.

As I sit here typing my first blog, I can see the leaps I have taken since I first started my journey with Jesus. It hasn't always been pretty and I haven't always been the best daughter, but my God is faithful to His children. All I am is an imperfect daughter who is loved by a perfect Savior.